Today has just been one of those down in the dumps kind of days. I do not have many, thankfully, but this one was especially rough. This was one of those days that just encompasses every pain I have dismissed for months. You know the ones. All those pains you ignored, that you thought where gone make an appearance one after another. It's this ugly instant replay of all that is painful and wrong in the world, and each image gets dropped back onto your heart like a brick. It is one of those days.
You would think that having these kids with all their challenges would just add to the pain and take me down, but surprisingly to some...that really is not the case at all. This amazing thing happened when my oldest came home. I smiled. I smiled for the first time since my baby had gone down for his nap. And it was then that I went through his book bag. As he told me about his day and how well he did in school, I found all of these tic tac toe sheets in his bag. Excitement took over my system so strong I could barely contain myself. My son had played with another kid probably the entire lunch session - there were like 7 sheets here. I asked this little love of my life who he played with, who he engaged with for long enough to complete all of these games (this is where I resisted asking who won, but oh, how badly I wanted to). This little guy, so full of life...this loving little boy who came home and made ME smile...he told me he played by himself at lunch because no one he asked wanted to play with him. So all of these x's and o's where him and him alone.
My eyes teared up, but I know my job, so I kept my composure. I wasn't going to make him feel any worse. I just said I would play with him, and he replied and ended it with a polite, "Thanks, Mom." The weight in my chest damn near knocked the wind out of me. It does not matter how many times we hear the same story, it always hurts just as bad. But this little man and all his sadness...he made ME smile. It is not because he did not CARE that he was ignored at lunch. He always cares. To anyone who thinks that having ASD means they do not understand, let me tell you that could not be farther from the truth. They understand rejection. They just don't understand what is going wrong or how to change it. But anyway, this amazing little man...he let all that go and came home and made me smile, because that is what he does...because that is what REAL strength looks like.
So when he is done playing with his own games (Mortal Kombat IS the first thing he has to do after his middle brother gets off the bus - it's routine, you know), I am going to play tic tac toe with my baby. And I will remember that there is no area of my life that comes close to being as important to me as those kids are. So my sadness, my bad day, it does not mean a thing anymore. It can not possibly be important. I have a bigger job to do. I have to save my baby from loneliness, and in doing so, I am going to let him save me from mine. Because in the end, we are really all the team we need.
